Last week I gave notice to JP. Quickly alerted those who needed to know, and listened as those who were resistant to the change talk about their sadness at the news. Both were relatively easy to handle. What has been hard is dealing with myself.
I am surprised by how much venom i’m expelling, and how quickly. After bearing witness to the daily disappointments and tragedies of life in the hood, I have lost interest. And unlike those who have no choice but to continue in the daily grind, i am taking advantage of what i have to exit. its tiring- being in the middle of a tragic soap opera every day. its no wonder the police, and citizens of the neighborhood are so damn haggard all the time. this place will suck you dry.
I wonder how the experience is different for those who grew up in this environment- re they simply jaded earlier, but to the same effect, of do they not even notice the tragedy? or perhaps they dont recognize their tragedy or tiredness, thus making it null?
for the first time, when people say things to me like ” i dont know how you do this, it takes so much energy”, i dont roll my eyes at their weak mindedness, i shake my head in agreement and reply ” i know.”
i am disappointed in the glacial pace that change takes, and the young people are so directionless…and in the moment, while i am angry, i also realize that this is not the young peoples fault- they are only part of the equation. this is the responsibility of people who are now somewhere between 30 and 50 years old. The parents- who used drugs, hit their children, refused help, and were also sent to the margins. thier offspring- the young people i work with are the byproduct of someone elses life choices and circumstances. but what scares me? reproduction.
