in the middle.

last week JP threw a little goodbye party for me. it was the staff i was closest to, and one youth- monster. i was glad he was there, he was the one that means the most to me. everyone went around, thanking me, telling me how sure they were that i would “be successful at whatever i do”, and that i had “deeply inspired them, and taught them”. hmbling coming from a bunch of people old enough to be my parents. i suppose that Erhu is right when he says i dont know my value.

i try not to spend a lot of time on my emotions, as they take up a great deal of my life, and i dont like to make them the focus all of the time. but today, theres nothing else i can think to write about.

last year at this time, i was a new homeowner, and planning a trip to the DR, that i wanted to go very well. Work was going fine, and i felt generally full and satisified. though, quite honestly what i really kow is that i dont remember being sad, so i assue i was satisitified. who knows.

around christmas time, my dad told me he was moving to NOLA in less thana month. i was sad. it brought up all kinds of unresolved feelings about my relationship to him, and men in general. luckily for me ErHu was beginging to soften towards me, and be able to express his feelings, and bear witness to mine. So though i was deeply saddened at my fathers sudden departure, i was glad to have some good shoulders to lean on.

a couple of months later, for my dads birhtday,i took a train to see him in NOLA. I didnt know at the time, but i was pregnant. when i returned from the trip, which was more cathartic than reconcilatory. the night before i left, my father told me that he was moving to jampan within 60 days. 

back at home, i flunked the pregnancy tests, and made the choice to terminate the pregnancy. it was a dark time. though in retrospect eric was supportive as imaginable, at the time, i didnt see it, and cast him as an asshole. but it wasnt him only. it was my father…the abortion…and the ews that the grup home was closing emminently.

all of a sudden i had been thrown into the storm i had dilligently avoided my whole life nothing seemed to be going right- and i didnt know where to begin explaining.so i didnt. with my father gone, my stepmother and job in queue, and a relationshp with eric in flux…i began to sink. Brda, who i had grown accustomed to coming home to, suddenly fell into a new relationship, and immediately became scarce aroun the apartment. not that i can blame him- its not like ive been that fun to be around.

scared to deal with more stress,  i acpeted an unlikley job- as a way of removing myself from my old life. to put distance between myself and the house next to me, which will not be empty, except of my parents. i got a dog, as a way of filling up the hole in my heart caused by years of rude teenagers who never siad thank you, and my decision to terminate my own pergnancy. of course the dog was sick, and it turn out that my parents took my suggestion of having my exboyfriend take over thier house setiously.

now wheni look out the window, i see my childhood home, filled with my exboyfriends stuff, and his friends, all of whom are living in the home, taking it as thiers and …like the new roomate over there said- things are changing…everywhere things are changing.

i told erhu that i dont know how i feel about him- that i dont think im in love with him anymore. and he took it well. much better than i would have. of course, it mde me love him even deeper. it hard for me to be fearless right now- to feel confident and exuperant about new oportunities etc. right now, all im handling is massive departure. everything that has been a given is turning out not to be. and until i can make sesne of this- and what happens in its wake, i have little expectation of being fun.