daily emancipation

between hope and despair, we exist.

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the ghost, sighted at 1123 am.

Long boring meeting, a flurry of repetitive accounts, paperwork, questions, and agendas. One disgruntled young man in the corner, angry that we are taking away his one shot at living in his own apartment. We have spent 18 months patiently holding his hand, explaining why it is time to self direct, self motivate…get involved in his own future.

He isn’t, we aren’t either.

Time is passing, all parties are agitated, there is no decision we can all agree on. I throw down my hand-

“Look, D, if you can not give us a detailed list of how you plan on addressing the issues we are bringing to you, RIGHT NOW, then I will step in, and make a motion to suspend your transition into an apartment, and recommend that out next step be making sure you are set- up to receive SSI benefits next year. “

” I’m gonna do it…. I told you”

“What? Details on getting a job…”

A knock at the door suspends this moment. The door opens, and a pink baby carrier appears, followed by thin dark hands, and a black jacket. Soon, the Ghost and his newborn daughter are encircled by a group of 5. Everyone asking questions. Wanting to get the update, knowing that we don’t really have time to stop the meeting.

Ghost is smiling his big toothy smile, this thin face wrinkling at the edges of his lips and eyes. Through his quite voice, I can see he’s proud. He is working, delivering papers, taking care of his baby by day, paying the bills. He’s doing well. He’s free, though the chains of adult encumbrance and instructional racism are jangling faintly, down the hall. But we are not there yet- he is not there yet. Today, The Ghost is an employed, domiciled, bill-paying daddy. Halfway through his 22nd year of life, surely, this is the best he’s had so far.

No details are forthcoming. Noting, just a wildly tapping toe.

“Alright, to the group, I suggest that if D is not able to secure 2 job interviews, clean his room, and begin going to class again within 7 days, we suspend the apartment, and begin planning for D have SSI benefits. Is there any agreement on this from the group?”

All heads nodding yes, while D crosses his arms tighter and looks down, towards his lap.

“Alright, anything else?”

Silence.

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slow day, time to write.

If writing a post which details the silly decision making that goes on at the JP is complaining, then a post detailing effective methods of decision making might be the thing to do. I was talking with Erhu last night, about how what isn’t said is often more difficult to tune into, but so much more informative. Like a haiku.

With hours and wages cut twice in the past year, our weekly operations meetings have become a warehouse for quite discontent, frustration, and fear. While we sit and listen to the dismal financial reports, the frantic need for more funding, and the lack of any meaningful growth- shoulders tense up, facial expressions flatten, and the auditory capacity is reduced.

Being the efficient, solution oriented person I am, I ceased to hear the informational content, and began to spend the time making decisions on how to best keep the TLP running without major bumps in the road. No birthday celebrations, no extras- an attempt to treat everyone fairly and evenly- to send the message that I could protect everyone’s interests fairly. Send the staff the message that it was possible to thrive under repressive management, which justice could be served under the watchful eye of disconnected administration. I could also send the message to the youth that despite what they saw and heard, they could come to me, and believe that I would handle situations diplomatically- that I will not always take the side of staff, that I will not shy away from addressing inappropriate behaviors on either side of the division.

As a result, staff is relatively happy, and youth are relatively stable. Content staff means well cared for youth. Well- cared for youth mean youth with enough psychic energy to dedicate to school, learning how to live as a young adult, how to acculturate, and fight.

After about 9 months, this had all leveled out. People were sued to the money shortage; youth were used to not having birthday celebrations. We were all feeling stable, not all needs were met, there is rarely excess to share, but everyone has enough to feel satisfied.

Sometimes youth enter the program, and begin stealing and hoarding. Taking groceries and other basics and wither keeping them in their room, or giving them to their kin.

When they hoard the supplies for themselves, it often indicated someone who has spent a lot of time going without. Living in homes where there just wasn’t enough to go around. These youth are interested in insuring their basics are met- without regard of others- there is no regard of others when you’re angry. When resources are insecure. Often these youth are fairly street wise, and amiable- other traits needed to survive hunger.

Youth who take the supplies and give them to their people are from a different tribe. These are the youth who perceive the infinite resources of the TLP. Who misjudge our government contract as being padded (who knows if it is, but I isn’t seeing it)? These youth are more likely to have spent time living with family, or a core group of people. The group works within itself to meet needs. It’s us vs. them. Whereas the aforementioned are you vs. me.   So anyways, this tribe, the us vs. them’s- they are often less connected to the program, spend weekends with their mother and siblings, trying to get moms back on her feet so that he came just go home. Often less academically successful- these youth has dedicated themselves to their family’s well being. Skipping school to take care of others, skipping school to be with the family. Less future orientation. More social sophistication.

Ahh but this isn’t about stereotyping youth based on their hoarding/ theft practices. This is about how to handle the backlash of the mother’s milk drying up. What happens when a facility contracted to provide care and guidance to young adults cannot provide the “extras” that are often associated with actual care?

Despite a drop in my popularity rating, I held fast to my dogma about no extras for anyone. Which seemed the only truly far way to keep things feeling steady and fair. Youth accepted, when the staff did too. I insisted that this was a temporary measure, to prevent bumps later on. When staff pulled me aside and made me take a close look at the condition of the couches, I was horrified. I went online to over covers for them. They were too expensive- I just knew that there were free couches somewhere in this city- waiting for us to come claim them.

In the mean time I sent out my bat signal- I put out the word that the JP was looking for all kinds of gently used donations. And before long, my mom out me in touch with a man who went on to volunteer to revamp the community room, and lay new wool carpet from wall to wall. Things seemed to be progressing nicely- my program was looking smooth, and we didn’t spend a dime. Which meant no one could be mad that we had money for couches, but not to restore hours, or birthday cakes or whatever else.

Then, the overhead page of a lifetime comes: “donation, line 101”. I pick up, and a greeted by a sweet woman from an affluent community in the city- apparently its time to unload a condo worth of furniture, and our “seniors” are just the people to benefit. I arrange a U-Haul, and some over time for the staff, and 3 days later, we load a whole new set of furniture in. the cost? Overtime and a U-Haul. The youth seem happy, the staff, also happy. All of a sudden, there’s a reason to enforce eating at the table- as white couches (even free ones) should not be subjected to red Kool-Aid, or spaghetti dinner.

Moving day was long, and rife with little potholes, I was tired, and took Monday off, to roll around with my partner, and try to recharge. I knew it would be a long week- someone big had been let go a week ago; I knew the upcoming week would be hectic. Tuesday morning, I pull up, and see an Empire carpet truck in the parking lot. Inside, 2 men are installing carpet in 2 offices on the first floor.

Why? Because there are toxic asbestos tiles on the floor, and it only cost EIGHT hundred dollars to get the carpet. For the upstairs offices, and rooms, too, right?

Blank stares

Well, that’s up to you, we caught the ED on a good day, and got her to OK it.

Do you know hard I’ve worked to find us in kind donors? We have a carpet guy…

“Oh, really? Well…”

And this, dear readers, is the problem with NPO’s. There is zero accountability, consistency, or sense of duty to adhere to policy. Now I am the first to admit that making no money, and being under stress makes one less likely to be honorable all the time. I get that- I get the urge to heat, cut corners, or otherwise

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goodbye, week 2

Last week I gave notice to JP. Quickly alerted those who needed to know, and listened as those who were resistant to the change talk about their sadness at the news. Both were relatively easy to handle. What has been hard is dealing with myself. 

I am surprised by how much venom i’m expelling, and how quickly. After bearing witness to the daily disappointments and tragedies of life in the hood, I have lost interest. And unlike those who have no choice but to continue in the daily grind, i am taking advantage of what i have to exit. its tiring- being in the middle of a tragic soap opera every day. its no wonder the police, and citizens of the neighborhood are so damn haggard all the time. this place will suck you dry. 

I wonder how the experience is different for those who grew up in this environment- re they simply jaded earlier, but to the same effect, of do they not even notice the tragedy? or perhaps they dont recognize their tragedy or tiredness, thus making it null?

for the first time, when people say things to me like ” i dont know how you do this, it takes so much energy”, i dont roll my eyes at their weak mindedness, i shake my head in agreement and reply ” i know.” 

i am disappointed in the glacial pace that change takes, and the young people are so directionless…and in the moment, while i am angry, i also realize that this is not the young peoples fault- they are only part of the equation. this is the responsibility of people who are now somewhere between 30 and 50 years old. The parents- who used drugs, hit their children, refused help, and were also sent to the margins. thier offspring- the young people i work with are the byproduct of someone elses life choices and circumstances. but what scares me? reproduction.

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a search, no hits.

so where are the other people on Tumblr who are thinking about child welfare?

few and far between it seems.

a search for “DCFS” brought up a lot of links to “DCF” posts ( not related at all)

a search for “child welfare” brought up posts from around the country, mostly reposting updates on legislative changes

a search for ” north lawndale” brought up my posts. and some random other stuff.

and last night, at an improv show, when we were asked to throw out suggestions for themes, i was tempted to yell out things like “group home” and “social worker” but didn’t, because my mom was there, and I didn’t want to make her feel bad.

its funny how much this means to me, and how little it means to the rest of the world, proportionately.

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check it…

so…there’s this kid, we can call him Oak. His affluent suburban foster family got rid of him when he started smoking weed, and “stealing” the minivan. they were so uncomfortable with him that he was sent from  his gold leafed nest and into this rats nest. He struggled to finish his schooling, got huge tattoos, began dabbling in drug trade, and other black market hobbies. 

He smashed his foster parents’ van, blinded the foster family to his moral failings, and delinquency, and developed a shiny silver tongue. 

Now, 6 moths later than expected, he finished his schooling, and is ready to leave here. And his “supporters” keep calling to let us know how eager they are to welcome him back. Pressuring us to expedite the process, of returning the prodigal son back to his rightful place- the place THEY ousted him from. They are concerned for his saftey this summer…

“well ma’am, he was here last summer, and he did just fine”

they played him the old “Our way of the highway, kiddo” approach. As long as you do as we say, you are welcome- when you are in your darkest hours, we will reject you, remove our love and support. We will make sure that you understand that love is conditional, and that you will always have to watch your steps if you want to be our stepson. 

is it any wonder that he’s such a mercurial ass? an arrogant, self-important snake? he must cheer when no one else is. his real family left him, and those who have accepted him into their life did so with conditions.

what troubles me is- if you sent him out because he was misbehaving, and told him to come back when he gets it together- then you, dear supporters of Oak, are totally off base. Oak competed a online high school diploma, that’s it. he still uses drugs, sells sex, and stomps around like a little prince. his diploma is a mask for his new, worse behaviors. 

you are not welcoming home a reformed young man, but a spurned one with no better options. when you sent him away, you took his confidence, and his ability to fly. there are no small wings growing out of this young back. he will survive, and he will do fine, and he will be pressed on by the nagging feeling that if he doesn’t, the love will be taken away again. 

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sunk.

as predicted, the GH is over. 60 days to find new homes for the kids, and then, they’re done. Not a suprise, at all. Heartbreaking; totally. 

What does this mean for the TLP? nothing until we fail to pay our expenses. Theres just no way that we’re gonna have the cash on hand to deal with this. 

honestly? i’m ready to call it a day. too much harm, and i cant help but wonder if it can ever be healed, or even restored. people are strong, and resilient, and sometimes, too smart to continue on. 

but as i look elsewhere, ill also be paying close attention to the slow sinking of a multi- million dollar ship. 

ahoy. 

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How does this happen?

So the news is filled with stories like this one; 17 year old brothers pimping out girls of their same age. how does this happen? is it mom’s fault? is it ours?

sometimes when work is slow, i check out the local news. after reading this article, on 2 twin boys who have become pimps and demestic  abusers, i ran into the article that precedes this link.

the juxtaposition of these 2 idiots, with a class full of other young black men of the same age, who in the course of 4 years turned around their lives to the point of attending HBC’s…is astounding. anyone who wants to make arguments about how “some people” are just born inferior need to take this as proof that the environment has a profound  impact on the outcome of a child’s life.

what can you do? pay attention to judges on ballots, pay attnetion to legislation on all levels, advocate for more not less funding of CPS, teachers, and schools. Pay attention to the local school council. read and vote.  it takes time, i know…but when you see this…you can’t go back to not knowing.

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