daily emancipation
between hope and despair, we exist.
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the ghost, sighted at 1123 am.
Long boring meeting, a flurry of repetitive accounts, paperwork, questions, and agendas. One disgruntled young man in the corner, angry that we are taking away his one shot at living in his own apartment. We have spent 18 months patiently holding his hand, explaining why it is time to self direct, self motivate…get involved in his own future.
He isn’t, we aren’t either.
Time is passing, all parties are agitated, there is no decision we can all agree on. I throw down my hand-
“Look, D, if you can not give us a detailed list of how you plan on addressing the issues we are bringing to you, RIGHT NOW, then I will step in, and make a motion to suspend your transition into an apartment, and recommend that out next step be making sure you are set- up to receive SSI benefits next year. “
” I’m gonna do it…. I told you”
“What? Details on getting a job…”
A knock at the door suspends this moment. The door opens, and a pink baby carrier appears, followed by thin dark hands, and a black jacket. Soon, the Ghost and his newborn daughter are encircled by a group of 5. Everyone asking questions. Wanting to get the update, knowing that we don’t really have time to stop the meeting.
Ghost is smiling his big toothy smile, this thin face wrinkling at the edges of his lips and eyes. Through his quite voice, I can see he’s proud. He is working, delivering papers, taking care of his baby by day, paying the bills. He’s doing well. He’s free, though the chains of adult encumbrance and instructional racism are jangling faintly, down the hall. But we are not there yet- he is not there yet. Today, The Ghost is an employed, domiciled, bill-paying daddy. Halfway through his 22nd year of life, surely, this is the best he’s had so far.
No details are forthcoming. Noting, just a wildly tapping toe.
“Alright, to the group, I suggest that if D is not able to secure 2 job interviews, clean his room, and begin going to class again within 7 days, we suspend the apartment, and begin planning for D have SSI benefits. Is there any agreement on this from the group?”
All heads nodding yes, while D crosses his arms tighter and looks down, towards his lap.
“Alright, anything else?”
Silence.
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traversing
I’ <!— /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:”Times New Roman”; panose-1:0 2 2 6 3 5 4 5 2 3; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:50331648 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:”“; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:”Times New Roman”;} a:link, span.MsoHyperlink {color:blue; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:purple; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} p {margin-right:0in; mso-margin-top-alt:auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:0in; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:Times;} table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-parent:”“; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:”Times New Roman”;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} —> ve spent 2 days in a DCFS mandated training on involving fathers in the lives of the children in the system. We began by calling out stereotypes that come to mind around the word ” father”- manipulative, drug dealer, abusive, disinterested, unaccountable…so on and so forth. The trainers went on to explain that our bias against father is why we don’t work harder to engage them, to the detriment of the children.
This made me uncomfortable. Because threes a really big piece of this theory missing; DCFS is a system that takes a disproportionate amount of children of color. Therefore the fathers that we deal with are going to be disproportionately men of color.
I don’t have the numbers in front of me so I’ll conservatively say that 85 percent of DCFS cases are families of color. Which leaves 15 percent as white. This is nearly an exact inverse proportion on the POC/ White proportion in the city of Chicago. hmmmm?
Right. So here we are serving 85 percent of families that are from a race that only represents 15 percent of the city. Which means that when DCFS workers use the aforementioned words to describe fathers, they’re really describing black men/fathers.
In nearly the same language uses in media to portray this it set of men. Black men, at least in this case are struggling in a battle that is Sisyphean in magnitude.
How the hell are we supposed to et a group of people who are walking into a room full of people who already think the worst to show up?
And furthermore- I realized some serious flaws in how JP is handling this issue. Since our youth do not have the goal to “return home” but to have “independence” we have nearly no contact with the family. It seems to be an uneasy truce in most cases. The guys are trusted to make their own decisions about visiting and being with family, and we encourage them to go home whenever possible, but we do not reach out to invite parents inside our home. Either way there are two points to be made with this…well, three.
1) We are perpetuating the message that fathers (and really, any parent) are unimportant by not doing more to encourage them to come around and participate in the decision-making process. I fear that a generational problem then crops up: if the message is sent that Tyrone’s dad is not important to Tyrone’s case/ progress/ critical decisions then Tyrone will internalize that, and when he becomes a father, he will then use this internalized message to guide himself away from his own children.
2) JP seems to thrive on keeping families at distance. We do not encourage the relationships, and instead offer our agency as a substitute- creating youth who are overly dependent on the system/ JP, with weakened family ties, and no confidence in the redemptive powers of enduring familial relationships.
3) I know for a fact (fuck you Chapin Hall, I didn’t need a billion dollar study to find out either) that kids who at least know where their parent is do better than those with no contact or knowledge of a parent or an adult relative who genuinely cares. To be clear ANY parent seems to improve things, but only CARING relatives seem to be able to provide what young folks need to stay a little more grounded. AND I also know that though the outcomes are not consistently better, and the cases are much more rare, it seems that having a father who has it together is exceptionally useful to easing a young person into a more positive outcome in life sooner.
So there you have it Chapin Hall, DCFS, McEwen…and all of you other goofballs lining too many pockets with “special” funds for “special” initiatives. By fostering healthy educated emotionally available Black fathers we are also insuring healthy educated and emotionally available Black children. All the DCFS workers in the world cannot do for a young man what a “good enough” father can.
If you have the time, Google “good enough mother” for info on D. Winnicott’s theory on.well here…(thanks again, wikipedia)
Winnicott’s treatment of psychically disturbed children and their mothers gave him the experience on which he built his most influential concepts, such as the “holding environment” so crucial to psychotherapy, and the “transitional object,” known to every parent as the “security blanket.” He had a major impact on object relations theory, particularly in his 1951 essay “Transitional Objects and Transitional Phenomena,” which focused on familiar, inanimate objects that children use to stave off anxiety during times of stress.
His theoretical writings emphasized empathy, imagination, and, in the words of philosopher Martha Nussbaum, who has been a proponent of his work, “the highly particular transactions that constitute love between two imperfect people.” A prime example of this is his ideal of the “good-enough mother,” the imperfectly attentive mother who does a better job than the “perfect” one who risks stifling her child’s development as a separate being.
I keep thinking about going back to school to get a PhD and study fatherhood, men, media…no one pays attention to fathers any more- women’s liberation was such a successful movement that we have rendered men absolutely unnecessary in our lives for anything other than breeding. As a woman, I get a certain thrill from knowing this…but I also get a certain sense of dismay at the prospect of generations of children raised with out a man around because of the ripples of women’s lib.
Now I’m rambling. Which is ok. I’ll be glad I have this to reference later when I’m ready to write my book.
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check it…
so…there’s this kid, we can call him Oak. His affluent suburban foster family got rid of him when he started smoking weed, and “stealing” the minivan. they were so uncomfortable with him that he was sent from his gold leafed nest and into this rats nest. He struggled to finish his schooling, got huge tattoos, began dabbling in drug trade, and other black market hobbies.
He smashed his foster parents’ van, blinded the foster family to his moral failings, and delinquency, and developed a shiny silver tongue.
Now, 6 moths later than expected, he finished his schooling, and is ready to leave here. And his “supporters” keep calling to let us know how eager they are to welcome him back. Pressuring us to expedite the process, of returning the prodigal son back to his rightful place- the place THEY ousted him from. They are concerned for his saftey this summer…
“well ma’am, he was here last summer, and he did just fine”
they played him the old “Our way of the highway, kiddo” approach. As long as you do as we say, you are welcome- when you are in your darkest hours, we will reject you, remove our love and support. We will make sure that you understand that love is conditional, and that you will always have to watch your steps if you want to be our stepson.
is it any wonder that he’s such a mercurial ass? an arrogant, self-important snake? he must cheer when no one else is. his real family left him, and those who have accepted him into their life did so with conditions.
what troubles me is- if you sent him out because he was misbehaving, and told him to come back when he gets it together- then you, dear supporters of Oak, are totally off base. Oak competed a online high school diploma, that’s it. he still uses drugs, sells sex, and stomps around like a little prince. his diploma is a mask for his new, worse behaviors.
you are not welcoming home a reformed young man, but a spurned one with no better options. when you sent him away, you took his confidence, and his ability to fly. there are no small wings growing out of this young back. he will survive, and he will do fine, and he will be pressed on by the nagging feeling that if he doesn’t, the love will be taken away again.
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sunk.
as predicted, the GH is over. 60 days to find new homes for the kids, and then, they’re done. Not a suprise, at all. Heartbreaking; totally.
What does this mean for the TLP? nothing until we fail to pay our expenses. Theres just no way that we’re gonna have the cash on hand to deal with this.
honestly? i’m ready to call it a day. too much harm, and i cant help but wonder if it can ever be healed, or even restored. people are strong, and resilient, and sometimes, too smart to continue on.
but as i look elsewhere, ill also be paying close attention to the slow sinking of a multi- million dollar ship.
ahoy.
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sometimes
Imam, a middle- aged, middle- eastern muslim wearing a grey suit and a kufi was giving a speech on my computer screen when Daha walked into my office last friday. Depending on the day, Daha seems to know when it is okay to walk right in and sit next to me, and when to knock first. For whatever reason, he decided to just walk in that day.
Daha is one of JP’s most interesting, affable young men. Raised by his gramma on the westside, he was brought up under her watchful eye, and the fear of god. When he became a teen, he was too much for her to handle on her own, and he ended up back in the system to work his way back to freedom through the successful completion of a variety of increasingly less- restrictive placements. He is a kind young man, without a ill- intentioned bone in his body, and an inspiring example of the capacity of humans to overcome and keep going.
after years of living in a group home in a small town in southern illinois, he was finally ready to move into a placement closer to home, where he could refine his skills and prepare for life as an independent young adult. And after months of preparations, the day came late last year when he was finally moved into JP. He was thrilled to be back on the westside of chicago- close to his gramma and his other relatives. And moving day was a blur of events that all led up to taking the pulaski bus to grammas house. he was in a rush becasue it was her 88th birthday, and she hadnt picked up her phone all day. when he got there, he found her dead in her bed. a devestating begining to this new chapter in his life.
Daha is like an old- soul in the body of a wiggly squishy little puppy, which makes him very easy to be with in many ways. though in others, it is clear that he was raised by people who were 2 generations older than he.
moments after sitting down, he remarked, in a suprised tone, that the man on the screen spoke english well. i turned to look at Daha, and immediately, paused the video to ask “why?”
Daha seemd taken aback by this, but responded that Imam spoke very well for being a black man.
“well, Daha first of all, he’s more than just a black man- hes also a scholar, an a well- known leader, and a politician. and more over, i dont think he’s black.” ( wrong thing to say, i know- somehow Daha took this to mean that I agreed with him on the black people cant speak english issue). Daha, wasn’t sure what to make of how suprised I was to hear him say this. and the dialogue continued with him explaining that only whites can speak well, and a variety of other statements that indicated that dear Daha has a high level of internalized racism influencing not only his judgement of others, but of himself.
needing time to figure out how to most effectively address his statements, i tell him that i want him to keep watching the video, and that we will stop after each speaker to talk about his impressions of them.
Next up is Amna, a young woman who is emceeing the event. Daha has nothing at all to say about her, even after I shoot him an indredulous look. “no comment on the woman, huh?” he just looked at me, smiled, shrugged, and waited for me to press play.
Next up, Junaid, a stocky man with no immediately identifiable identity. His voice had no strong accent, his clothing was western, his hair in a crew cut. About 3 sentences into this speech, Daha, interupts to state that this man is clearly Mexican, becasue he is speaking good english, and not wearing any strange clothing. “Daha, he is a lawyer, and a Muslim, not a mexican.”
“what?! nooo waaayyyy, he’s a Muslim lawyer?! hehehehehee well, he’s not black, and hes speaking good, thats all i know!”
“riiiight Daha… lucky for you the video isnt over, so it’l be at least 30 minutes before we really talk about this.”
Frank is up next. and since Daha as actually met Frank, he’s able to immedaitely say ” this guy is smart, i like him, hes not muslim is he?”
“what if he were?”
“he’s not. he Is mexican, so he cant be muslim, hes a christian…is he catholic?”
“yes, Daha, I think so.”
“see, thats why he talks like that”
next up: Erhu. Of course, I am extra interested in what Daha’s assessment of this one will be, because Daha doesnt know it, but Eric is the one I called when someone needed to explain to Daha why Northwestern Business College doesn’t count as a proper higher- education instution. ” awww, i aint got nothin to say about this brotha, hes got it right. he must be a baptist…or an apistolic.”
” whay’s that, D?”
” well, he’s black, so he cant be a catholic like Frank, and most blacks are baptist, or apistolic. “
” maybe he doent go to church, d.”
“no way. i bet he’s apistolic. like me.”
the phone rings, the boss knocks, and as quickly as it began, our video watching is over. but before he wanders off, i ask him to stay. to wait it out- because we need to talk some more.
” whatever miss rhea, i bet everyone will tell you that im right, ill go ask. ill be back” and he heads to his most reliable allies for support. but before he gets there, i call one of them, and ask that before she answer Daha, she come and talk with both of us.
when the office quiets down, we begin. “Daha, I want to hear more about what you think of the people in the video. Chris, I’ll play you parts of the video as Daha speaks.
Immedaitely, Chris tells Daha that she is suprised at how many conclusions about people he makes without taking the time to get to know them. We explain that sometimes snap judgements are a way to assess a situation and make quick decisions about what is a generally good way to move forward. But that sometimes, if one mistakes a setereotyped judgement for a fact, then you have effectively short circuited what could have been.
“Daha, why aren’t your pants sagging? And why are you in here talking to us when you could be on the corner gettin’ paid?”
He becomes very serious, as he adjusts his glasses, takes a deep breath, looks me straight in the eyes, and says in his most firm tone “Miss Rhea, now, you know I dont do that stuff. I stay away from that mess- that trouble”
” How do I know that? I mean if I didnt know you, and I saw you on the street, i’d probably see your age, gender, location, and skin color and assume that youre a gang banger. BUT, youre right, I do know you. And because i took the time to get to know you, i know why why youre here with me right now.”
writing this, all i can think of is how poorly our kids are being educated. a friend of mine recently becasme a Urban Teaching Fellow and will begin teaching this fall. I fuond out the otehrday that she is not allowed to open up a textbook for the first month of classes. Instead this group of teachers wil spend the first months of the school year working on dicipline, structure, and social skills. No subject- specific lessons at all. And I look forward to hearing how the year progresses for her cohort- will they be able to get more actual education done the remiander of the year if so much basic work is front- loaded?
